
Community News Archive
Below you'll find information previously listed in the Community News section (that section is now for City Hall news). So, if you want to reread or catch up on what you missed, here it is. As stated in a separate post (see post below), Opinion and Local News will now be combined in this section of the website.
Local yoga studio closes after being open for only two weeks. "We just couldn't get people to come and financially we couldn't stay open any longer," stated owner Tim Jutt of Relax Studios. "People just didn't understand what we were all about and having to fight against assumptions and misinformation was just too much." Asked about his future plans, Jutt replied that he will probably return to San Francisco and start anew. Local residents appear to have mixed feelings about the closing of Relax Studios. "It just goes to show that people around here can't handle anything different," says Eilene White. A different point of view was voiced by Harvey Beechslap: "I heard they sat around burning marijuana and asking kids to clear their mind. That just invites Satan to come in and take over...we don't need none of that here in Hillnutt." Beechslap adds, "Besides, I never cared looking at them granola-eating motherfuckers" and he wanted to remind folks reading this that he is looking forward to once again teaching the Young Believers class at the 1st Baptist Church Vacation Bible School beginning next week.
Public Announcement: Hillnutt Daze dates confirmed (once again) in a recent Hillnutt City Council meeting. See note below for reasons. New dates: June 24 - 25, 2011 (if aliens land, will reschedule).
Hillnutt Daze dates confirmed (again) in a recent Hillnutt City Council meeting. Due to the tragic tornado that destroyed the local fertilizer plant and covered the site of the festival, the October date had to be cancelled. The subsequent thunderstorm and rumors that aliens were scheduled to land during the days of the festival led the Council to postpone and reconsider holding the festival. After much planning and remarks about each member's mama, the Council agreed that the 36th annual Hillnutt Daze festival will be held May 21-22, 2011 at the newly renovated Bryton County Robert E. Lee War Memorial Martin Luther King Jr. JFK Civic Fairgrounds. "We're pretty dang excited", reports Council member Dwight Carter. "It's a chance for the Hillnutt community to come together and put up with one another". The motto for this year's festival is "Bust A Nutt!" and a coloring contest to select this year's mascot will soon be announced. Proceeds for this year's festival will help the Hillnutt Community Firefighers, Bryton County Humane Society, and to fix that damn pothole in front of Abner Washington's place. While plans are still being finalized, the Council announced that the following activities have been confirmed:
- Music: Sausage, Biscuit, & Abramowitz (country); Men of Magnesia (barbershop quartet); Mrs. Hogan's third grade class 68-minute rendition of "God Bless The USA"; Battle of the Bands (local talent); The Crouchers (classic rock); Hillnutt Nursing Home Singers (spur of the moment, lineup subject to change); Little Jody Watkins (the seven-year old singing sensation, according to her parents).
- Contests: Fishing Derby (1st place - special guest appearance on the "Wishin' I Was Fishin'" show with Raymond "Minner" Hydes, 2nd place - styrofoam minnow bucket, 3rd place - "I'd Rather Be Mudding" cap); link sausage eating contest; dirtiest feet contest; poetry reading; horseshoe tournament; homemade pie contest; transmission toss.
- Food Vendors: Marvin & Kay's Kountry Kitchen (plus the Corn Hole Hut); Git 'N Skidaddle (microwave burritos, bottled water); Mt. Zion AME Church (smoked turkey legs); Luigi's Fine Italian Cuisine (pizza, calzones, tacos); Vicki's Sweet Shop (fudge, cookies); Hillnutt Lions Club (hamburgers, hot dogs, Big K sodas).
More information will be posted when available. Look for updates on this site or pick up a flyer at the Hillnutt City Hall, all Wash & Go bulletin boards, and attached to many local telephone poles.
*** BREAKING NEWS: Charlie Sheen travels to Libya and damages nuclear reactor to regain U.S. interest in him.
Reason for Dallas Cowboys Dismal Season Finally Revealed by Hillnutt resident Toby Nubber. According to Nubber, he would always place a cold Budweiser on a WWE Rocks! coaster before each Cowboys game, with the label at a 90-degree angle to the TV. "For the first couple of games I did this, the 'Boys were kicking ass" reported Nubber. "One game, the Cowboys needed a field goal to win and I accidentally missed the coaster when I sat down my beer." Unfortunately, the field goal sailed wide right and the Cowboys lost. "Not only did they lose that game, they lost damn near every game after that...it's all my fault." Nubber continues, "If I hadn't misplaced my beer, everything would have been o.k. I feel so ashamed that I didn't want to tell anyone till now. I apologize to all the Cowboy players and their fans."
Local Man Thought About Masturbating But Was Too Tired, according to Verne Cole. Cole reported overhearing Larry White, age 52 of 128 Elm Lane in Hillnutt, confide to his brother Earl that he thought about pleasuring himself after flipping through the channels and watching a few minutes of Sorority Babes Carwash on Cinemax. According to Cole, White felt a flood of tingling sensations and thought about "loping the mule" but could not keep their pet poodle Fiddles from following him into the bathroom. After putting the dog in the back yard, White tried to relax on the commode while fantasizing about the "Babes" he just witnessed on TV but was interrupted when White's wife, Irlene, knocked on the door inquiring as to whether or not the nail clippers were in the top drawer. After finding and delivering the clippers, the smoke alarm began to beep every few seconds indicating that it was time to change the batteries. Finding the noise annoying, White replaced the batteries and went back to his bathroom. After a couple of minutes, he experienced an excruciating cramp in his buttocks and was forced to walk around for a few minutes. By the time he sat back down, White told his brother "There was nothing there...I guess I was just too damn tired by that point" and went to bed. "I think ol' Larry is going to try it again later this week", said Cole.
Scratch-Off Ticket A Winner! for Kristy Sue Dean (owner of "Kristy Sue's Classic Cuts"). Dean reported that it was an ordinary day like any other when she went into the local Git 'N Skidaddle to buy a pack of smokes. Thinking she had nothing to lose, she asked also for a scratch-off ticket. "I never win anything", stated Dean, "so I didn't even think nothing about it until I got home and emptied my pockets". Grabbing a penny, she scratched off the gold circle expecting another "Try Again" message. But not this time. "I nearly shit my pants!", exclaimed an excited Dean. "There it was in big, bold letters...WINNER!...it took me about 10 minutes to calm down!" After gaining her composure, Dean called her husband at work to tell him the good news. "He was excited too!" The prize that was revealed on that lucky ticket...? A free 32 oz. fountain drink with chips. "Man, real people really do win", added a beaming Dean.
Public Announcement: Vince Clement of 415 Noob Circle would like to remind everyone to keep their damn dogs off his lawn.
Public Announcement: The Hillnutt Chamber of Commerce would like to thank Robert Reeder for allowing the city to use his backyard for this year's Fourth of July fireworks exhibition. Chamber president Clyde Horne announced that Reeder will be compensated for the property damage that occurred on July 3rd, the night of the fireworks show. "I told them Russell boys to get off that fence but you know their parents let them run wild", said Horne. Damage is estimated to be in the 400-500 dollar range.