Site updated June 22, 2013


Opinions Archive

Fetch My Flying Monkeys

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Community News Archive

Below you'll find information previously listed in the Community News section (that section is now for City Hall news).  So, if you want to reread or catch up on what you missed, here it is.  As stated in a separate post (see post below), Opinion and Local News will now be combined in this section of the website.

*** BREAKING NEWS: Early heatwave hits South.  Thousands are concerned about how they look in shorts.

Local yoga studio closes after being open for only two weeks.  "We just couldn't get people to come and financially we couldn't stay open any longer," stated owner Tim Jutt of Relax Studios.  "People just didn't understand what we were all about and having to fight against assumptions and misinformation was just too much."  Asked about his future plans, Jutt replied that he will probably return to San Francisco and start anew.  Local residents appear to have mixed feelings about the closing of Relax Studios.  "It just goes to show that people around here can't handle anything different," says Eilene White.  A different point of view was voiced by Harvey Beechslap: "I heard they sat around burning marijuana and asking kids to clear their mind.  That just invites Satan to come in and take over...we don't need none of that here in Hillnutt."  Beechslap adds, "Besides, I never cared looking at them granola-eating motherfuckers" and he wanted to remind folks reading this that he is looking forward to once again teaching the Young Believers class at the 1st Baptist Church Vacation Bible School beginning next week.


Public Announcement:  Hillnutt Daze dates confirmed (once again) in a recent Hillnutt City Council meeting.  See note below for reasons.  New dates:  June 24 - 25, 2011 (if aliens land, will reschedule).

*** BREAKING NEWS: God postpones the Rapture after receiving millions of prayers from Glee and American Idol fans who wish to see the season finales first.

*** BREAKING NEWS: Florida pastor burns copy of the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Hundreds of reanimated corpses threaten local community with a cataclysm of doom.


Hillnutt Daze dates confirmed (again) in a recent Hillnutt City Council meeting.  Due to the tragic tornado that destroyed the local fertilizer plant and covered the site of the festival, the October date had to be cancelled.  The subsequent thunderstorm and rumors that aliens were scheduled to land during the days of the festival led the Council to postpone and reconsider holding the festival.  After much planning and remarks about each member's mama, the Council agreed that the 36th annual Hillnutt Daze festival will be held May 21-22, 2011 at the newly renovated Bryton County Robert E. Lee War Memorial Martin Luther King Jr. JFK Civic Fairgrounds.  "We're pretty dang excited", reports Council member Dwight Carter.  "It's a chance for the Hillnutt community to come together and put up with one another".  The motto for this year's festival is "Bust A Nutt!" and a coloring contest to select this year's mascot will soon be announced.  Proceeds for this year's festival will help the Hillnutt Community Firefighers, Bryton County Humane Society, and to fix that damn pothole in front of Abner Washington's place.  While plans are still being finalized, the Council announced that the following activities have been confirmed:

  • Music: Sausage, Biscuit, & Abramowitz (country); Men of Magnesia (barbershop quartet);  Mrs. Hogan's third grade class 68-minute rendition of "God Bless The USA"; Battle of the Bands (local talent); The Crouchers (classic rock); Hillnutt Nursing Home Singers (spur of the moment, lineup subject to change); Little Jody Watkins (the seven-year old singing sensation, according to her parents).
  • ContestsFishing Derby (1st place - special guest appearance on the "Wishin' I Was Fishin'" show with Raymond "Minner" Hydes, 2nd place - styrofoam minnow bucket, 3rd place - "I'd Rather Be Mudding" cap); link sausage eating contest; dirtiest feet contest; poetry reading; horseshoe tournament; homemade pie contest; transmission toss.
  • Food Vendors: Marvin & Kay's Kountry Kitchen (plus the Corn Hole Hut); Git 'N Skidaddle (microwave burritos, bottled water); Mt. Zion AME Church (smoked turkey legs); Luigi's Fine Italian Cuisine (pizza, calzones, tacos); Vicki's Sweet Shop (fudge, cookies); Hillnutt Lions Club (hamburgers, hot dogs, Big K sodas).

More information will be posted when available.  Look for updates on this site or pick up a flyer at the Hillnutt City Hall, all Wash & Go bulletin boards, and attached to many local telephone poles.


*** BREAKING NEWS: Charlie Sheen travels to Libya and damages nuclear reactor to regain U.S. interest in him.


Reason for Dallas Cowboys Dismal Season Finally Revealed by Hillnutt resident Toby Nubber.  According to Nubber, he would always place a cold Budweiser on a WWE Rocks! coaster before each Cowboys game, with the label at a 90-degree angle to the TV.  "For the first couple of games I did this, the 'Boys were kicking ass" reported Nubber.  "One game, the Cowboys needed a field goal to win and I accidentally missed the coaster when I sat down my beer."  Unfortunately, the field goal sailed wide right and the Cowboys lost.  "Not only did they lose that game, they lost damn near every game after's all my fault."  Nubber continues, "If I hadn't misplaced my beer, everything would have been o.k.  I feel so ashamed that I didn't want to tell anyone till now.  I apologize to all the Cowboy players and their fans."


Local Man Thought About Masturbating But Was Too Tired, according to Verne Cole.  Cole reported overhearing Larry White, age 52 of 128 Elm Lane in Hillnutt, confide to his brother Earl that he thought about pleasuring himself after flipping through the channels and watching a few minutes of Sorority Babes Carwash on Cinemax.  According to Cole, White felt a flood of tingling sensations and thought about "loping the mule" but could not keep their pet poodle Fiddles from following him into the bathroom.  After putting the dog in the back yard, White tried to relax on the commode while fantasizing about the "Babes" he just witnessed on TV but was interrupted when White's wife, Irlene, knocked on the door inquiring as to whether or not the nail clippers were in the top drawer.  After finding and delivering the clippers, the smoke alarm began to beep every few seconds indicating that it was time to change the batteries.  Finding the noise annoying, White replaced the batteries and went back to his bathroom.  After a couple of minutes, he experienced an excruciating cramp in his buttocks and was forced to walk around for a few minutes.  By the time he sat back down, White told his brother "There was nothing there...I guess I was just too damn tired by that point" and went to bed.  "I think ol' Larry is going to try it again later this week", said Cole.


Scratch-Off Ticket A Winner! for Kristy Sue Dean (owner of "Kristy Sue's Classic Cuts").  Dean reported that it was an ordinary day like any other when she went into the local Git 'N Skidaddle to buy a pack of smokes.  Thinking she had nothing to lose, she asked also for a scratch-off ticket.  "I never win anything", stated Dean, "so I didn't even think nothing about it until I got home and emptied my pockets".  Grabbing a penny, she scratched off the gold circle expecting another "Try Again" message.  But not this time.  "I nearly shit my pants!", exclaimed an excited Dean.  "There it was in big, bold letters...WINNER! took me about 10 minutes to calm down!"  After gaining her composure, Dean called her husband at work to tell him the good news.  "He was excited too!"  The prize that was revealed on that lucky ticket...? A free 32 oz. fountain drink with chips.  "Man, real people really do win", added a beaming Dean.


*** BREAKING NEWS: TV ad elder who once exclaimed "I've fallen...and I can't get up" now says she's tired and really is in no hurry to get up and go anywhere.


Public Announcement: Vince Clement of 415 Noob Circle would like to remind everyone to keep their damn dogs off his lawn.


Public Announcement: The Hillnutt Chamber of Commerce would like to thank Robert Reeder for allowing the city to use his backyard for this year's Fourth of July fireworks exhibition.  Chamber president Clyde Horne announced that Reeder will be compensated for the property damage that occurred on July 3rd, the night of the fireworks show.  "I told them Russell boys to get off that fence but you know their parents let them run wild", said Horne.  Damage is estimated to be in the 400-500 dollar range.


A Little Reconstruction

Once again it has been awhile since posting.  Contrary to popular belief, I was not at a "dry out facility" or the "crazy hospital."  I was partaking in a "personal enhancement program" and it just so happens that it was in another state.  So there's your reason for no updates lately.  Now that I'm clean free to once again focus on mayoral duties, I can hopefully provide you more frequent updates.

I have decided to restructure this site a little bit.  Since I usually don't have much to say, I decided that an entire section set aside for Opinion was a little too much.  So, I've decided to merge my old Opinion column with that of the previous Community News section into this one area you are now gazing at.  I'll separate opinion from local news and events though I'm sure you'll be able to know the difference.  The first step in this transformation is to take the previous information from Community News and post it into one entry here.  My previous opinions are still here by date.  Hopefully, both opinion and local news will be dated with each entry (whenever that will be).  Hope this makes sense to the couple of you who read this.  Be sure to tell your Mom I asked about her.



Summer's Here (almost)!

It's the last day of May which means summer is just around the corner.  The local kids are out of school though many will be returning for summer school detention.  Myself, I'm thinking of where I can go for a few days to get away from it all.  Our family so enjoys Disney World but with one kid about to go into braces and the other one about ready for a new car, I don't think the Mayor will be traveling far.  I've been looking at staying maybe at one of the lodges at a state park, someplace that's quiet where I can sit with my laptop and not worry whether or not I need to throw a load of towels in the washer.  Also, it would be fun just to get in the car and go visit a few quirky places just for the heck of it (you may remember that one of this site's Site For The Time Being (SFTTB) was Roadside America).  All I know is that it's time to leave the confines of Hillnutt for a few days and get reacquainted with myself (and no...not in the familial sense). And by the way, how's your mama?  Tell her I hope she's doing well.

Even though I'm a follower of the mindfulness way of being, I sometimes forget and need a little reminding.  When I'm not focusing on keeping Hillnutt afloat, I do have a couple of side projects with which I'm working and I believe are worthwhile endeavors.  Unfortunately, I've allowed my mind to clutter and it has posed a roadblock to my progressing on these tasks.  I work best when I can simplify and when I simplify I become more organized.  When I'm more organized, I am more likely to obtain my goals.  I guess you can say I'm in the process of "simply organizing".  I sometimes have to remind myself of the excellent advice found on Zen Habits (another former SFTTB site...the "Start Here" section is a good place to start).  One thing that I have found extremely helpful is to use an organizational system with reminders so I can get it out of my mind and let the reminders do it's job.  Sometimes that means remembering to keep you folks updated on things since the Hillnutt Gazette still has no money (and Jimmy Dale Hodges is still nowhere to be found).  Sometimes you just have to have a sense of humor about it.  If you agree, then check out the current Site For The Time Being: Fetch My Flying Monkeys.  This young lady (and a veteran to boot) has a way with words and is a good read to get ya rooted (again...not in the familial sense).

Due to thunderstorms, a tornado that destroyed the local fertilizer plant (I think everyone was affected by that), and the ever present rumors that aliens are to soon land, the 36th annual Hillnutt Daze has been postponed multiple times.  We're giving it another shot June 24 & 25 so if you're in town, drop on by.  Last year's festival was a raging success, with dozens in attendance and only minor arrests.

Before I go, I'd like to give a shout out to the Hillnutt graduating class of 2011: Bandug Panggabean Abdurrahman.  Congratulations!  The rest of you, enjoy summer school!

Now back to thinking about the perfect quiet spot (unlike the video below). How 'bout that?



Been a Long Time... updates since October, eh?   Guess the mayoral duties have been overwhelming.  So, a few quick updates are in order I suppose. 

The 36th annual Hillnutt Daze originally set for October 16 & 17 2010 had to be cancelled due to thunderstorms and the rumor that aliens were supposed to land in town that day (they didn't).  However, don't fret....we'll be celebrating May 2011 so be sure to tell your Mama.

William "Buck" Thomas (Tea Bag party) easily won in November the vacant City Council seat.  So far, he ain't done shit.

 Jimmy Dale Hodges is still missing in action (along with the operating money for the Hillnutt Gazette).  Thus, still no local newspaper.  I promise folks to try to keep you more updated by posting local info on this site.  Of course, you know you can always talk with Dana Bennett if you really want to know what's going on around town.  She's usually sitting on her front porch either shelling peas or playing the harmonica.  Don't know how she's doing with that clamydia thing.

Charlie Sheen and Japan have recently competed with each other for most air time.  Libya is doing its best to keep up with them.  Lots of chaos in the Middle East...seems like there are thousands of people there who finally admitted that they don't like living in the Middle East.

Well, that's about all for now.  Just wanted to post for those 2-3 residents who are checking in.  Maybe this go 'round I can keep y'all updated in a more timely fashion.  Until then, be good and keep your kids out of my goddamn yard.


October is Here...BOO!

Thank goodness October is here...the heat's behind us and cool weather ahead.  It's been awhile since I've updated this part of the site.  Your Mayor's been busy but hopefully I'll be a little more diligent in the future.  If you haven't been here in awhile, you can see that the 36th annual Hillnutt Daze is set for October 16 & 17.  I hope to see you and your Mama there.  Also, the Site For The Time Being (SFTTB) has been updated (see the link to your right) to a nifty little site: Roadside America.  Want to find a place that has two-story outhouses, three-story Muffler Men, or an atom bomb crater right here in America?  Then Roadside America is your kind of site.  Plus, October is a great month for forcing your kids in the car and taking a weekend trip down the backroads of America before it is totally obliterated by suburban sprawl, Walmarts, and strip malls who can't keep a business for more than a year.

Of course, for me, October means Halloween and that means fun and pumpkins.  I think this will be the first year I don't have a kid who will be dressing up in costume (life does roll on).  That's o.k., I'll keep celebrating as long as my hands can hold a pumpkin blade and I don't need a walker to get to the front door.  One of the joys for me on Halloween is carving pumpkins.  Below are a few examples.  To be honest, these were from templates, so more patience than artistic talent.  Hope you like 'em:









Unfortunately, there are those here in Hillnutt that believe that Halloween should cancelled or downright outlawed.  It looks like Brother Ronald Casselman, pastor of the 1st Baptist Church of Hillnutt, has called for a "Save Your Soul" night on October 31 (more about this will soon be posted in the Community section of this site).  Seems that Bro. Casselman has decided that Halloween is evil and has tried to convince the Hillnutt City Council to ban Halloween.  Of course, this is not a new idea but people become so blinded by their assumptions.  For most kids (and adults), Halloween is a time of fun, family enjoyment, and of course, an excuse to eat too much candy one day out of the year.  Seems many have lost the true meaning of Halloween and that's a damn shame.  But don't fear...come on by the Mayor's house on Halloween and you'll get your candy, some nice pumpkins to look at, and no judgment from me.  Now how 'bout that?